frying my mind ain't so bad (as far as i kin feel it)--

it's losing my teeth that truly frightens me.

it's listening to my father blindly spouting truisms.
so i may likely smoke prior to seeing him. this will also help me stomach any food stuffs he may suggest we devour.

i mind the people around me when they are not listening. when they are merely awaiting their turn to speak, counting their thoughts and the seconds and gripping tightly to their words with their tongues behind tight lips.

people and their influences. their influences bother me as well. why couldn't they float past the gate of possibilities. why must they insist on following the same tunnel without exploring the windows on their way. without investigating the source of light shining high or to their far left sides upon the aging roads they tread.

i'm unwinding blissfully, arrogantly, ignorantly. i hardly know what goes on around my own perimeter, where do i get the gall, the nerve, the inclination that i know better.

i only want to step upon a stage and bang my drum and sing with a proud tightness around my eyes and a wide mouth excreting the biggest words i can think of with abandon.

i want to live with abandon.

i forget-- (an_e-mail)

from Minute Made
to m______ca
date Mon, Jun 14, 2010 at 11:16 AM
subject i forget--
mailed-by g_______m

h___________________________utes ago)

i forget that i don't have to wait for a message to respond to in order to write to you.

i've been thinking to myself (i've considered expanding on this through writing into the blue moleskine, but here i am instead) about why i'm here right now. what is the deal with my decisions? are they mine? i think i tend to follow. i'm a follower. a disciple to the world. i'm still learning.

so maybe my decisions aren't mine. how do i know. something attracts me to them, so i go with them for myself?

i say it a lot, that all i do is go with the flow.. and i do/ this is not a very redeeming trait. it's been fun, no doubt, but i ought to move onto greener pastures.

i'm always on the facebook, on the gmail, on last.fm waiting for messages to respond to. i've got to give myself enough purpose to not have to wait around for something to happen so that i may react. i need something other people can react to. pompous and arrogant are words i don't know the meanings of. all i know is that i need to expel my juices upon the masses/
i want them all to whiff the stench i emit/ id on't know why. maybe i want to redeem myself for all the backing out i've been doing my entire life. all the 'no i can't' or 'i'm not here' moments, i've got to erase them from my consciousness. i'm sick of reminiscing about regrets and shit that's done already.
i've got fresh new shit churning inside of me and i need (yes it's a need, far fucking beyond desire) to dump it on this fantastic and disgusting and peculiar and annoying and glorious earth. this earth that's been gaga'd over for centuries by man or the like (this applies to every living creature capable of taking in this scenic coincidence of existence)

i've got words for even the most dis-understandable things, and i want to pin my words upon them for the rest of my life. i've still got no plan, so i will have to build one.

and music still coarses through my earholes into my skull /makes me strong.

this message is going onto minute+made, my progress bible.

--gato